


The Fowls Have the Phonebox

by FireGriffin



Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer, Doctor Who
Genre: Gen, The Fowls get their hands on the TARDIS, weeping angels attack the Doctor... again
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 23:26:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10056830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireGriffin/pseuds/FireGriffin
Summary: "Ah--where was I--weeping angels." The Doctor whirled to face Clara, eyes frighteningly wide. "I've found a cluster of them. All looking in different directions. But they're not moving. They haven't moved in… three days.""Alright, so… what's unusual about that? I've seen them, they're like statues.""Ssh! No, listen! They're inside a mansion. A human, Earth mansion. And none of them. Are. Moving. Do you understand what that means? Maybe--maybe there's something worse than a weeping angel, something that can…can harness it's energy, or stop it, *kill* it.""And they're out there?""Yes." His eyes glittered. "I've known about it for centuries, but I've never looked."Clara stared absently at his tie. She'd never known him to be afraid. He was too curious. "Are we going out there?"The Doctor nodded. They pushed the doors open together, emerging into a well-furnished bedroom."Don't blink," said a young, disembodied voice with an Irish accent. "It's time for a little experiment..."





	

The Doctor clasped his hands together, a smile creeping up one side of his mouth. "It's time," he said.  
  
"Time for what?" Clara turned her head sharply, hair whipping. She carefully laid one finger on the TARDIS dashboard.   
  
The Doctor's fingers wiggled in the air like a magician unveiling a rabbit. He grabbed the joystick, flipping it up while shifting a slidey-thing with the other hand. The timelord twirled around and grabbed a piece of chalk from the air. His chalkboard wiped itself clean.   
  
Clara marched over next to him, folding her arms. He had the same look he'd had when explaining that the moon was an egg.  
  
"Watch. Carefully." His arm flew across the board, drawing out a diagram. "How do you do the impossible? How do you create something so powerful, so--"  
  
"Doctor, can we skip the existential question-y bit?"  
  
"Shush, I'm being clever." He dropped his chalk. "Ah--where was I--weeping angels." At this point he whirled to face Clara, eyes frighteningly wide. "Most dangerous thing in the universe."  
  
Clara swallowed, although he said 'most dangerous thing in the universe' a lot.  
  
"I've found a cluster of them. All looking in different directions. But they're not moving. They haven't moved in… three days."  
  
"Alright, so what's unusual about that? I've seen them, they're like statues."  
  
"Ssh! No, listen! They're inside a mansion. A human, Earth mansion. And none of them. Are. Moving. Do you understand what that means? Maybe--maybe there's something worse than a weeping angel, something that can…can harness it's energy, or stop it, *kill* it."  
  
"And they're out there?" Clara took a few steps toward the TARDIS door.  
  
"Yes." His eyes glittered. "I've known about it for centuries, but I've never looked."  
  
Clara stared absently at his tie. She'd never known him to be afraid. He was too curious. Recklessly curious. "Are we going out there? Right now?"  
  
The Doctor grinned and lifted his eyebrows, as if to say  _I know, and isn't it exciting?!_ They pushed the doors open together, emerging into a bedroom. The place looked almost too large to be allowed. Electronics and other science-y bits lay strewn across the bed, shelves, and floor. Clara's heart stopped for a full second as she realized they were surrounded by no less than five weeping angels at the edges of the room.  
  
"Don't blink," said a young voice out of nowhere with an Irish accent. The Doctor had the stray thought that Clara wouldn't have any trouble with that.  
  
"Who are you?" The Doctor asked, looking around. "How old are you?" Clara asked at the same time. They glanced at each other. The voice sounded like it was coming from right beside them, but that couldn't be right.

One of them must have blinked, because one of the statues turned around to face them. Both of them reached for the other's hand on instinct. "Back-to-back," the Doctor whispered. They stood facing opposite directions, eyes watering. _I swear, this looks just like Earth,_ Clara wondered. _On any other planet, I'd say the voice was from someone invisible._ Her already elevated heartbeat started racing. Nothing like a good puzzle to solve.   
  
"Strange…" the Doctor took a step forward, examining something on the floor.  
  
"Doctor, these are weeping angels, right? So why aren't they moving?" Clara didn't like the idea of standing out in the open when the Doctor wasn't watching her back anymore.  
  
"Not a medical doctor, it would seem." There was the voice again. That voice that didn't sound older than twelve, and yet gave Clara goosebumps.  
  
"Who are you?" The Doctor looked up sharply. "Show yourself."  
  
"Why would I do that?" The child sounded so smug, so condescending, that Clara felt some of her class-discipline instincts creeping up.  
  
Another one of the statues was abruptly facing her. "Doctor!" She snapped. "Look at them!"  
  
"What do you think I'm doing?" He was at her back again. They stood still, watching two or three each. All of the statues faced them now, with their hands over their eyes.  
  
"How did you get these?" The Doctor called out. An edge had crept into his voice. He snapped his fingers, and the TARDIS doors swung shut. Clara's heart jumped. "You're controlling them, but how? Weeping angels are one of the most powerful beings in the universe."  
  
The child didn't answer.   
  
"Let's get out of here," Clara whispered. "Someone's probably trying to steal the TARDIS or something." The Doctor didn't answer. When he got like this, he could be thinking _anything_. She'd have to snap him out of whatever deep thoughts he'd gotten lost in.  
  
"Tardis? Your time traveling machine, I suppose. Or teleportation. Sounds like an acronym. Interesting. Why don't I… speed things up a little?"  
  
The lights went out, then popped back on.  
  
"Why are you doing this?" said the Doctor. "If you're keeping these imprisoned, more will come. You'll end up with too many attacking."  
  
"Stop asking questions," the child droned. The lights flicked on and off again. Now the statues had their hands at their sides. Their blank eyes made Clara's skin crawl.  
  
"Wait! I have information! I can tell you about the weeping angels, if you like. I--"  
  
"Bargaining now, are we?" the child sounded pleased. The lights flicked off and on again.  
  
"Doctor, why don't we just go back into the TARDIS?" Clara hissed.  
  
"It's too late now," the Doctor grinned. Oh, great. He thought things were under control. She could hear a smug note in his voice. At least he heard her that time.  
  
"Tell me everything you know."  
  
"First, the weeping angels. Stop them."  
  
"No. Right now." The weeping angels faces were beginning to crease. "Just so we're clear, you're bargaining for your life. If you tell me everything you know, I'll stop the statues. Even then, you've trespassed on my property. I can put you in jail fora very long time if you're not cooperative. Do you understand?"  
  
"Crystal clear," the Doctor was still holding a smile at the corner of his mouth. "But you've not one to talk about breaking the law. The equipment you've used here…" He'd picked up a sleek piece of machinery, hardly wider than a thumbnail, and was fiddling with it.  
  
The lights switched off and on. Clara elbowed the Doctor in the ribs. "Weeping angels!" she said to the disembodied voice. "So, they're… they're not really made out of stone, are they, Doctor."  
  
"No, not at all, not when you're not looking at them. They're aliens. They feed off of time energy. Quantum-locked. They physically can't move when you're looking at them. That's why they've always got their eyes covered. Can never look at each other." He was speaking very fast. "Nobody knows what they really look like. One touch, and they send you back in time, to live your life in the past--"  
  
There was a knock on the door. "Myles! Are you playing with the electricity? Father's trying to read."  
  
"Of course not," snapped the child. "I'm busy."  
  
"I can tell when you're lying," the older voice warned.  
  
"Father isn't really reading. I'm doing an experiment."  
  
"With the electricity?"  
  
The child went quiet. "It's a psychological experiment. I was timing how long it would take for you to come knocking--"  
  
The door swung open. A trim, impeccably dressed young man, no older than twenty-five, stood in the door way. He had a hawklike face and an expensive-looking haircut. His t-shirt read 'Randomosity'.  
  
"I locked that door!" the child whined. "No laser-cutters in the house."  
  
"Mum's not home." He assessed the situation in a matter of seconds, looking unsurprised. "Are you fairies?"  
  
The Doctor wore a brooding expression that cracked into a smile. "Fairies don't exist."  
  
"I see." Artemis sighed. "Myles, what are you doing with the garden statues?"  
  
"You're ruining everything, Artemis! Go away!"  
  
"I'll tell mum that you kidnapped these people."  
  
"I didn't kidnap them, they came here."  
  
"Oh? And I suppose they're willing participants in this experiment?"  
  
Myles appeared from nowhere, floating in midair with a scowl. "ARTEMISSS! I'll tell mum that you blackmailed the LEP so you could--"  
  
Artemis held back a proud smirk. "You stole fairy technology."  
  
"So?" Myles was wearing a suit and tie. "Mind your own business."  
  
"Not if you're interfering with other people." Artemis strolled toward the Doctor and Clara, holding out a hand. "Artemis Fowl the second."  
  
"I don't shake hands," The Doctor replied. "Fowl. I've heard that name before."  
  
"Of course you have," Artemis said casually, withdrawing his hand. "Now, Myles. What are these statues doing?"  
  
Myles was invisible again. The door shut of it's own accord.  
  
"If you'll excuse my brother. He has criminal tendencies."  
  
"Runs in the family, doesn't it?" the Doctor looked at him with very stern eyebrows.  
  
"Not anymore." Artemis examined his nails. "I'd let you go, but there are too many problems with that. Question one, how did you get in here. Question two, why is Myles experimenting on you. Question three, that police box is from the 1950s and doesn't have the right aging patterns. So you're time-travellers. Question four, why hasn't lower-elements arrested you yet? Question five--"  
  
The lights went out. When they came back on, the Doctor was gone.  
  
Clara couldn't do anything but stare in horror at the spot he'd occupied a split-second ago. Her jaw jutted out ever so slightly. A  _child_ had just done this. For  _fun_. But there was no time to pull out her angry-teacher voice. For all she knew, these people weren't human. A plan popped into her mind in an instant. "Listen, what year is it?" She asked the older one urgently. "I have to get back to--"  
  
Artemis clearly wasn't listening. His eyes looked almost glazed over from thought. "Statues that move when you're not looking. One touch. Time travel. Missing fairy tech… Foaly. Are you listening?"  
  
After a second of silence, the young man resumed speaking. "No, Myles debugged. You." He turned to Clara. "Is that unlocked?"  
  
Clara frowned at him. "I asked a question."

Artemis's eyes sparkled keenly. "Myles, you didn't kill that man, did you?"

"Of course not," replied the disembodied voice. "It sent him back in time, according to them. And you're ruining my experiment! I was trying to gather information."

Every second here was a waste of time. Clara turned abruptly and made a run for the TARDIS doors.

"Stop!" cried Myles. "We're coming too." She could hear Artemis's footsteps behind her and turned around to see him entering the TARDIS. The doors fell shut.

Artemis examined the inside without moving a muscle in his face. "Time machine. Indeed."

  
Clara glared at him. "Look, I don't know who you are, the Doctor's never mentioned you, but stay out of his TARDIS." She jabbed a finger at him. He observed her coolly.  
"Or you and your - and your little fairy friends will realize what happens when you mess with the Doctor. Or any of his friends, actually."  
  
Artemis raised one delicate eyebrow. "I think you'll find I can handle the ill wishes of one man."  
  
Attempting to push by, he closed his eyes in exasperation. Clara looked sterner than a principal who'd just caught one of their favorite students cheating. "I won't let you touch this place."  
  
~  
  
Where was Butler when you needed him? Artemis tried to remember his martial arts training, but the lessons had been few and far between.  
  
There were tears swimming in the woman's eyes. This was no ordinary human. Perhaps a change of tactics would suffice.   
  
"Alright," Artemis cooed, spreading his hands wide as a gesture of geniality. "I apologize for-"  
  
"You better bloody stop apologizing and step out of the TARDIS, Artemis Fowl." The woman's eyes burned like hellfire.  
  
Simple, really. "Ah, but I know the Doctor. We're friends."  
  
"Stop lying to me. There are weapons in here."  
  
What was the delay? Did this woman think she wasn't strong enough to shove him out with her bare hands? Or was she afraid the statues would get him?  
  
That's when Myles appeared out of thin air on top of the woman's head. She gasped, toppling to the ground and swearing through gritted teeth.  
  
Artemis strolled over to the console and began typing in coordinates. "Thanks, Myles. I promise not to turn you in to the LEP."  
  
Myles skittered backwards away from the woman, trying to lead her away from Artemis. She simply turned away from chasing him and grabbed Artemis by the neck. "How do you know how to fly this thing?"  
  
"Fly?" Artemis couldn't quite hold in his smugness. "Interesting."  
  
"Yeah?" Clara pulled a pair of handcuffs out of her purse. "It's about to get a lot more interesting, mate."  
  
Before either of them could do anything, Clara had them both handcuffed to a bit of railing. _This is not how I planned my day this morning,_ Artemis thought. _She's almost worse than Holly Short._  
  
"Now," she bit her lip fiercely. "Tell me what year it is."


End file.
